The union

This is going to be a rhetoric post, I just need to get some clarifications on this:

perfect_couple

 

It’s going to be a comparison between marriage in the ’40s-80’s and the marriages in the ’20’s. I am going to start this with a quick intro about what I learned from my folks about their marriage…it’s a vague note tho…I was told when I was much younger, there might be a few mix up.

 
…so I learnt my maternal granny was the arranger…as well as my aunt (momc was her classmates or schoolmate- can’t remember which and I don’t wanna ask). She mentioned mom to granny who got to like mom and then told mom she has a single son in Lagos and would like mom to be wiffy! And just like that, momc started visiting granny and assisting her with house chores and before you know it they have 5kids already! Their marriage has hit the rock times without number, they’ve had disagreement, quarrels and fight but in spite of all these, they are still together for like thirty years now (I can’t believe I’m not sure about that sef, I would confirm. *please don’t judge me*)

Let’s race back to today’s marriage and courting:

My mom can’t decide who I will marry

Daddy, you have no right to choose for me

I love her and I’m going to marry her

She cheated on me and I can’t take her back

She’s not half as beautiful as the woman I wish to marry

He was delaying me and I want to get married this year

How can I even love someone I haven’t met before

She slept with my best friend before I met her, I’m sorry I can’t marry her

Her mom is Edo, she’d be very stubborn

Oh he’s from Ijebu, they can be very stingy

She’s an Ibadan girl, they lack respect

He smokes, I can’t cope with him

At least, we should have sex before marriage. What if he/she cannot ‘do’?

 

 
These and many more are making quite a number of people still single even at forty and a lot of these have wrecked many homes. Many couples today cannot even sustain a 2-weeks relationship much more a year old marriage. Divorce has now become a regular thing. ‘I couldn’t cope with the marriage, I just have to let go’, ‘He wasn’t who I thought he was’…what happened to the seven years you both spent in knowing each other???

 

 

Most relationships in the 20th century were arranged, supervised and controlled and they turn out to be the best. Divorce was a sacred action in the past. Or could it be that we have more patient women back then? Or our parents are not as bold to walk out of their marriage like the parents of now? I am not saying there were no divorce at all back then but it is clearly not as prevalent as today.

 

 

Some will say it’s too much exposure. But whatever it is, I still don’t understand what happen to marriages now? Why can’t we have beautiful homes like that of our parents? Why?

 

 

Thanks for reading. Please drop a comment on your view to this in the box below…

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18 Comments

  1. jahzzmene
    June 16, 2016 / 11:49 am

    I would disagree a little…. Marriages in the 20th century were not necessarily the best… This is because women of that era were taught to be silent… A lot went on, a lot is going on but they don’t speak up hence, people think marriage of that period is the best… They rather suffer and weep and be silent…. So no..marriage of those times were not the best. Marriage of those times lasted longer, that is the only advantage. But I would rather choose quality than duration.

    • June 16, 2016 / 11:53 am

      Thanks for the response…Its actually a post that needs clarity and I appreciate your response a lot. Just as we have women enduring domestic violence in silence, I think the same can be said of the long union they boast of then. But then, what can you say about the increase in divorce rate now?

      • jahzmene
        June 19, 2016 / 7:10 pm

        The increase in divorce rate is mostly because a whole lot of women have learnt to stand up for themselves…to say #enough when their lives and kids lives are at risk…to #run without looking back when they are in situations that is physically and emotionally draining… To #let go when they have held on in vain for too long…. To #leave and #live rather than stay and die or be deformed and maligned for life.

  2. June 16, 2016 / 12:01 pm

    Hi Deb,

    I have been waiting for this post.

    This has really been a matter of great concern to me and i really have not been able to find an answer to this current trend of divorce and marital issues.

    Notwithstanding, i think to a large extent i will blame it on socialization, urbanization, technology, growth and of course CHANGE.

    There is basically little or nothing we can do to stop this rubbish because i really don’t think it can be stopped.

    Why do i think so? I will like to ask
    1. how many of our ladies are willing to live the kind of SUBMISSIVE lifestyle their moms lived in their days
    2. how many are willing to GIVE IT ALL to their Husband and take him as Their LORD and ALL.

    A lady recently told me ” Abeg leave that talk, things have changed, i didn’t go to school to come sit and be loyal and take instructions from one man all in the name of marriage”

    If our ladies cannot live like our parents lived and put aside our degrees, level of knowledge, information we have, then there wouldn’t be any improvement.

    Also how many MEN of today can be loyal, trustworthy and stand as THE PILLAR in their homes, how many are more concerned about the well-being and betterment of their wives than themselves like some of our parents were, how many men are striving and GIVING it ALL to ensure peace and tranquility remains in the homes, how many are tolerant and are not willing to let go of pride and BEG their wives whenever there is an issue, how many are still patient and LOVE GENUINELY AND UNCONDITIONALLY even when their wives might not deserve it, how many are still forgiving.

    My dear, so many things to say and portray but time would fail me to.

    Let us keep hoping for the best and Those of us Still Single, LETS MAKE UP OUR MIND to have the best marriages not forgetting THE GOD FACTOR in all we do.

    RICHTEE

    • June 16, 2016 / 12:05 pm

      Wow!!! Well said Tee…From your comment, I have manage to pick tolerance, respect, understanding and a heart of forgiveness which has to come from both parties. I can not agree more to this.

      …unless two agree, they cannot walk together…

  3. Dee
    June 16, 2016 / 12:56 pm

    Great piece! Comments from richtee and jahzmene show different perspectives the present generation have concerning marriage. But all the same, these perspectives still hover around the present generation. Some marriages today are an “arrangement of convenience” which one party is either stuck and cant get out due to different factors i.e fear of the unknown, business reasons (prominent amongst the wealthy) and poverty. Tbh, divorce isnt a new trend..its been on for long but the advent of social media has made it more pronounced than before. if u also look on the flip side, the old guard (women especially) had children for different men (they got married to) , something the new guard won’t do , also something i’m definately not comfortable with.
    In conclusion, we know the world has evolved..even tho we might see the old guard marriages as a “model” , the circumstances sorrounding the world we live in now has made marriages of today an entirely different ball game. But then, divorce is never the best option.
    The new guard needs to imbibe tolerance, respect, support and endurance from the old guard coupled with what the world has brought on us today. A mix of both …should help us see things through!

    • June 16, 2016 / 1:01 pm

      Wow, I am learning a whole lot today. I quite agree with you👏👏 Social media actually made it more pronounced really but then I think it also has a lot to do with the rate increase, don’t you think so?

      Above all tolerance and endurance is key!

  4. June 17, 2016 / 7:06 am

    The main reason marriages those days “lasted” was the financial dependence of women, most women couldn’t support themselves talkless of their children so they stayed put and endured the unimaginable just so their children could have a future. As more and more women attained financial independence, they began to walk away and divorce slowly lost its stigma.

    • June 17, 2016 / 7:08 am

      Hm, this is another angle to consider! And it’s great point. Thanks for reading dear😊

    • June 17, 2016 / 8:06 am

      Dear Adaeze,

      Thank you for your feedback.

      However, are we supposed to be priding in what we ought to be ashamed of?

      I understand you view and its very understandable

      However Does being financially dependent mean or equates or stands in the place of Submission and loyalty?

      Does being financially dependent mean our women need to leave aside the african norms, traditions and upbringing just so they might have a voice?

      Does being financially dependent make them the HEAD over the man as to making them LESS ENDURING or NON-ENDURING

      Does being financially dependent gives the right to DIVORCE and marriage walkaways just because they cannot stand the pain and pressure anymore.

      Where are those traits called patience, perseverance, loyalty, humility, wisdom and longsuffering?

      If socialization and technology gives room for women to have a voice now (which of course i have no problem with), what then do we say about the fruits of the spirit of GOD in a woman (except they dont have them tho)

      Bottomline, as much as i agree with the fact that they were submissive because they didnt have a choice, even now that they have choices and can be independent, shouldnt they be more submissive, loving and tolerant?

      Maturity is needed for marriage to last ALSO like i said earlier THE GOD FACTOR is key.

      A truly successful marriage cannot happen without GOD who in HIMSELF is LOVE.

      Thank you

      #myviews

      • June 17, 2016 / 8:19 am

        RichTee, as much as I am thrown off my balance on your raised point and at the same time I am trying not to be a feminist in this…I believe the era of seeing a woman as a part of a man rather than a being of her own with a mind, has passed. While we have some independent women who would be loyal and tolerant to their man irrespective of the situation, some will not take the same bullshit.

        Every human has a limit, a limit to how much they can take and endure. While some can forego some challenges and stay put in the marriage (afterall its is for better for worse), others become a monster in it.

        While I do not support divorce, I believe everyone should have a mind of their own when it comes to life challenging issues.

        Hence it is a choice of how well can I continue to take this or do I want to make this work or should I give it all up?

      • June 17, 2016 / 9:24 am

        Submissiveness does not mean you have to endure terrible things. I was very close to my late grandmother, the stories of what she and her friends endured will make your ears tingle.
        Secondly you can’t expect a woman who brings in part of the money that runs the home to remain a doormat, you can’t have your cake and eat. She can’t go to work just like you, come back tired just like you and you’ll expect her to wait on you hand and foot just your mother did to your father, conveniently forgetting that your mother was a full housewife or had a job that didn’t require much time away from the home.
        Times have changed whether we like it or not and we have to evolve with the times, we cannot continue to cling to ancient values that do not reflect the complexity of modern life.
        Our mothers and grandmothers endured physical abuse and emotional abuse, they endured watching their husbands pick other wives and girlfriends with the casual attitude of a man selecting a shirt for work on Monday. They endured watching their dreams and hopes crumble to dust, they survived the death of the love they held for their men.
        Unfortunately our men today haven’t really changed and even you have shown it in this your comment asking women to follow old standards without asking that men change their attitudes. Marriage is between two people, one person shouldn’t shoulder all the burden to be loyal, submissive and to endure. I’ve written about headship and submission last year and this, would you like to see?

        • June 17, 2016 / 10:01 am

          Dear Adaeze,

          Good to read from you again.

          i think i understand better and perfectly well your perspective and where you are coming from.

          I actually wrote without an opinion nor any instance in mind (so to say), i was just being neutral.

          If the points you raised above are the basis of your points then you are correct!

          You had a close relative whose experience in endurance wasn’t pleasant, that is enough reason why you would sound that way.

          I am not in support of submitting to rubbish, NO!!! but bottomline here is “IS DIVORCE THE BEST OPTION”?

          Well we all have our views and opinions and there are reasons why people act or think differently.

          But Adaeze, pardon my views, but the fact is i am a full fan of MAN and WOMAN Equality. And i understand your point.

          My biggest concern is while we don’t want our women taking rubbish and being rode on and taken for granted even though times have changed and we have to evolve with change and all, were there not some other virtues that our parents displayed then that are worthy of emulation?

          YES!!! there were very few divorce cases in those days or maybe not as rampant as it is in our days.

          Knowing well times have changed, and there is “equality” so to say between both genders (after-all like you said just maybe she also brings some support to the home)…… cant there be a talking and dispute resolution option? can’t there still be a stickability even when she doesnt wanna take shits? can’t we stand and fight for our love and marriage and make it work? MUST WALKING AWAY and DIVORCE BE THE FINAL RESORT?

          Am totally against divorce and my writing here is without sentiments nor any opinion. i just hope and want a different orientation and approach towards marriage and its issues.

          I also do not clearly understand what you meant by “Unfortunately our men today haven’t really changed and even you have shown it in this your comment asking women to follow old standards without asking that men change their attitudes”… If you read my first post on this, i explained also about why men need to change their attitudes and be better. so its not about me my dear. its just a thought from an aspect to why divorce or walking away should be replaced with “Am staying, Am making it work, Am Making things better and Things would be alright”.

          You can send your thoughts on headship and submission to tywomo@gmail.com. i sure wanna read.

          Thank you kindly

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