The culture of entitlement abound in a lot of relationships thereby making one party the Alpha and Omega over the other. Entitlement simply means the art of feeling the right to owning certain privileges and being arrogant about them. Most women feel the need that because they are dating a man, he should be the sole provider of all of their needs.
Last week, I saw a video going viral on the internet and I was appalled by it. What got me more upset was the fact that kids were used to pass the message. One, it was a very wrong message and secondly, it is a poor representation of what African women stands for.
Literal translation of the message is, ‘All men should listen. What’s the point of dating a guy that cannot buy you IPhone 10, give you money for hair do, buy you new clothes or even take you out on a date.’
It is one thing to receive in a relationship and be thankful for it, it is another thing to feel you deserve it just because you have the tag ‘Girlfriend’ inscribed on your forehead.
African Culture and Religion
African culture has designed men to take up the patriarchal role of been the man in the house. Hence, it is their place to provide for their wives and kids. Most women have always known this growing up and have always accepted and lived by this rule. However, we need to know that these rules are not cast in stones. It must have been the thought of one person who feels this is how things should be done. That does not take away the place of common sense or how it can be done.
After speaking to some friends in the U.K. and US, they confirmed that during dates, both parties pay for what they have eaten. Or if the man is generous enough, he accept to pay for you both. I put up a screenshot of this message on my WhatsApp Story and a lot of people came for me. I was told I am going to make men become lazy and no longer do what is right.
But what exactly is right?
This is Not Feminism
Far from the thought that women are deciding to act liberal and independent, hence the need to discard the culture of entitlement in relationships. This isn’t even about feminism, this is about doing what is right. Just because a man decides to date, does that suddenly make him an ATM or a money bag?
A lot of men have dread going into relationships just because cause of the fact that they cannot meet standards. They have shaky feet about even approaching a lady because they fear meeting up to her standards. I once started dating this guy some years back. Because of pressure from friends, I asked him for money to get a new phone. I would never forgive myself for ever succumbing to this pressure. He humiliated me to say the least and I felt really bad. Days after, I got myself the phone even though it was inconvenient to teach myself a lesson.
See this doesn’t make him a bad person, I later realized. At first, I was playing the hard to get and shortly after I accepted to date him, I was bringing in bills. What other impression was I expecting him to have of me?
Are Relationships All About Money?
Personally, I am of the school of thought that a lady should not even ask a man for money in the first few months of dating him. Why? Because it makes you become the needy, can’t stand alone type of woman. Mind you, these excludes when there are life threatening situations and you desperately need the money.
But please, do not start dating a man and 3 weeks later, you are asking him for money to make your hair, buy new clothes, shop for new shoes? Seriously?!
A lot of women these days get treated like piece of trash just because of how they have presented themselves to men. He treats you with a whole of disrespect, talk dirty about you to his friends, and doesn’t fear discarding you when he has had his fill of you. This does not make him bad, because you have only presented yourself to him as an opportunist which is sad.
Mind you, this is not only restricted to situations like this. A man who doesn’t respect women would still do same irrespective of the situation.
Is It Okay To Ask For Money In a Relationship?
Yes, it is absolutely okay as long as you don’t bring in the culture of entitlement. But be mindful that it is very okay for him to decline as well. He is not a bank, neither are you a property. It is okay to ask him for money, if he is up to it, he could give it to you as a loan or as a gift. If it is a loan, be explicit about the payment terms and make up your mind to pay back.
Let us understand that these men are also humans and they have worked hard for their money as well just as we have worked for ours.
No man owes you anything. It is his money, not your money. Instead of asking him for money for petty things, work for a long-term relationship with him such as marriage because only then will his money be regarded as yours as well.
In the meantime, be as independent as you can.
Bottom Line on The Culture of Entitlement
Women, I understand we have a lot of needs, we crave to be spoil by the man who says he loves us and care for us. But do not make this a do or die affair. Do not throw tantrums when he says no. This does not make a man stingy, neither does he make him laid back about caring for you. In fact, I believe a man who truly loves you will know you have needs and strive to meet them. Same way you see your man in need and desire to help him.
I won’t be comfortable if my brother asks me for money because the person he is dating needs it, especially if it’s for the most mundane reason. We need to add some dignity and sense of respect to the tag ‘female’. Females are not lazy.
It is indeed sad that millennials are quick to start the comparison syndrome when it comes to relationship. We are quick to forget people are different, what excites one person does not excite another. We fail to really understand what goes on behind close doors, the part they did not get to tell us.
One demonstration of entitlement is ingratitude. The entitled person takes things for granted; she assumes rights and denies responsibility. Because she is entitled to receive all of the positive things that come to her, she does not feel thankful for what she has. She is therefore not likely to express gratitude for what his spouse provides or does for her.
What are your thoughts on these? Do you agree with the shared thoughts or have contrary opinion? Kindly leave a comment below.
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Wow, I’m actually shocked to be reading this, the fact that some women feel money is their right in a relationship. Within marriage why not, when dating sure it’s good to be spoilt but then ask for money for things you can do without. Perhaps it’s my upbringing but this has never crossed my mind to go around asking esepcially when one even has their own job. I’ve already cautioned my brothers not to go around spending their picked money on bae when she has parents too. I rest my case sha.
Princess Audu
Author
I’m glad someone shares same sentiments with me. It hurts me when people tell me, ‘He needs to buy me this and that because we are dating’.
And in my head, I’m wondering what if he has to borrow all of these money to keep you happy? Or what if he’s even stealing it?
Would you inconvenient your parent just because they gave birth to you to satisfy needs you can actually do without?
I say this all the time! The fact you dating someone does not give you the entitlement to his finances. Your money is your money, his money is his money! If you need money that bad it’s with “PLEASE”!
Author
I love how you emphasized on the ‘Please’. We need to keep drumming this into our ears. It’s even unfair to make men feel bad just because he can’t give you.
Lol… This is a tricky subject. I think upbringings matter in this case.. Ladies that feel entitled probably have always had their way when growing up.. I personally find it weird asking people (female included) for money.. The last time I got money from home was my final year in school. There’s a certain respect that comes with fending for oneself .Funny thing is, it’s not limited to ladies alone.. We’ve got guys that feel entitled too.. I know a couple of them that tries to capitalize on my friendship with them.. It’s just awkward to be honest.
Author
I absolutely agree on the issue of growing up and how it relates to entitlement. But such child can only get help if they understand that the approach is wrong, otherwise, it may take a while to make them see reasons.
And of course, men are not exclusive. Thanks for leaving your thoughts on this subject, b ❤️
Wow Debs this is an amazing post. I love the angle you came from. Women need to learn that sometimes it’s okay to foot your own bills yourself. I totally agree with some of the commenters who say it has to do with upbringing. If you have been raised to learn how to be independent from the start. When you start getting into relationships, you dont go in feeling entitled. I tell ladies who feel it’s the man’s duty to pay for hair, nails, clothes, bags ,shoes and feeding just because they are dating that they are just reducing their worth. In the long run most of them don’t even fulfill their dreams simply because the culture of entitlement and relaxation from letting someone else be their saviour has eaten deep into them.
http://www.giftcollins.com
Author
I should frame this comment👏👏👏 It’s golden. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Gift
Loud it!!! It has become a norm to search for a boyfriend with deep pockets like a job opportunity and once you find a deeper one, you move. No wonder a guy has to earn more than a girl before they can date. Where then is the dignity and pride in being a lady if all it’s worth is in materials. We need to consciously make it known to our younger girls that they too can work hard for their own money and be SATISFIED.
Working and earning is one, being satisfied with one’s earnings is another.
Author
Apt! I love the last part, ‘working and earning is one, being satisfied with one earnings is another’
It’s amazing and very much needed. When Someone translated the video to me ,I was appalled.
What a terrible thing to be teaching kids .
No one owes you anything and that’s why it is becoming very easy for girls to be taken advantage of.
I think you did a great job🙌🙌🙌
Author
Preach, Hauwa ❤️
It’s indeed a terrible and sad thing. Hope to read from you again
This is great Debs. I had a conversation with some guys about this very same thing. They were telling me that all Nigerian girls care about is using the man to buy things and cater to them. I told them that is not all of us. It’s just sad that it’s partially true. Women should not entirely depend on the boyfriend or husband for everything because it puts too much pressure on them. Also, it makes it seem as though you can’t be independent and provide for yourself. Relationships should not be about what what you can get from someone.
Author
See, at the end, men get to have this misconception about women as greedy. It is no fault of them because they’ve met with a lot who make them have that impression.
However, they still shouldn’t be quick to judge.
Akingboye Deborah, thanks! And thanks for sharing your great posts every week!
Author
And thank you for stopping by
Well said dear and truly the most painful part of it all is the fact that guys now commit “fallacy of hasty generalization”, In their eyes, all ladies are the same,but will you blame them??..I once had this guy I liked and we were supposed to date but just noticed he never asked me out and we drifted apart.Years later, we met and had a lenghty conversation and I asked the guy why he never asked me out and he said ” Bidemi, you’re an expensive lady and I know ladies demand for a lot in relationships, there is no way I will be able to meet them”.I was dumbfounded.I tried educating him that not all girls are like that but he obviously has his own mindset about ladies.Its actually really sad and I can only hope ladies do better.
Author
Oh wow, that’s one out of a thousand more men out there who has this same mindset. It’s quite an unfortunate situation we have come to find ourselves due to the mistake of a handful.
However, I still think a man who genuinely likes a lady need to find out for himself before making conclusions about the kind of person she is or not.
Thanks for sharing your thought, b. Do come by again.
Beautiful post, meaningful subject. We already had a conversation about this so you know my stance. You’d be amazed at the way ladies feel so entitled. Damn! A friend once told me she has never used her money to buy expensive phones and she can never do it. But she uses expensive phones, I told her that if I want to use an expensive phone, I will save towards it and if someone gifts me, I’ll be glad. What I won’t ever do is expect certain things to fall on my lap because a man is involved. That is ridiculous!
And I always say it, except you are dating a fraudster, I don’t see how this economy would allow you to be totally dependent on a man and splurge his money on the most funny things, always wanting and needing things you cannot afford ordinarily. I am not saying our spouses shouldn’t spend on us, they totally should. It is even a wonderful feeling but he has committed no crime if he doesn’t do it. Stop feeling so entitled goddamit!
Author
Thank you! You’ve shared valid points and ended it in the most balanced way.
Thanks for always sharing your thoughts, Tee 🌸
Debs we have spoken about this and you know my stand on this issue. I am shocked at the response of some people that the man will become lazy. Lazy?! So, the lady is the one to put him in check by placing demands on him. Ok! I read through the comments and the other readers raised a valid point UPBRINGING. I was taught never to ask anybody anything because they owe me nothing. Over the years, I refined it but we must have known each other for years and it is a very serious issue. Again some of our cultures as Nigerians need to be unlearn and the right way to do things relearn. Again a man is not my meal ticket because money was spent on my education to earn and be financially independent.
Author
Apt! I think our culture has come to play some roles in this situation of making a woman feel entitled about being spoilt by men irrespective of what she brings to the table.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this, once again